Subscribe to Our Feed!I’ve been catching up on blogs this morning. A week’s worth of potty training has had my attention set elsewhere. And so, I’ve read no less than five posts about the Blogger Baby Bump Watch contest.
I’ve also cried no less than five times.
Last year, on Easter Sunday, we announced our pregnancy with LittleBrother. We figured it was a nice time to involve our families (both given and church) as they had all been praying for us in one way or another since our loss the previous summer. You know, rebirth and everything. We technically, by the rule books, should have waited four more weeks to tell anyone especially in light of that previous loss. But we were overjoyed. And right now he is asleep in his crib (?!) and we really can’t imagine life without his presence. He was meant to be a part of the FireFamily.
I am extremely grateful for my family, every last one of them. We’re unique and many people don’t understand or like aspects of our makeup. But I am a blessed Mama. I can’t deny that one. I have birthed three healthy, beautiful children. I am raising two amazingly awesome little boys. And one little Angel watches over us. I have not only the support of an amazing Husband, but our parents and grandparents are often willing to lend multiple hands. Even my own Great-Grandmother helped my Mom watch LittleBrother last weekend.
But the truth is, we won’t be having any more children. I’ve mentioned it in passing a few times in comments. I’ve tried to make light of it. I’ve made jokes. I’ve laughed it off. But as Easter weekend falls upon us and I look at everyone’s beautiful baby bumps, my heart aches.
I’ve packed away all of the maternity that I didn’t lend to my best friend (who is due within the month!). I’ve sold some of it that I knew would have some resale value. And as recently as yesterday, I began packing up too-small baby clothes for the “give away” pile. Another pile for the “keepsake pile.” (Coming home outfits, special ones.) I’ve kept a lot to wait and see what gender of child my best friend will have and I’ll probably keep the clothes on hand for awhile… but soon, …too soon… I will also let go of them.
Our reasons are many, of course, as we’ve never been people to make one-sided decisions, individually or as a family. My health, of course, is a major underlying factor. As many of my long-time, pre-this-blog readers recall, I’m not particularly great at pregnancy. It takes a toll on my kidneys and neither FireDad nor I can imagine what bedrest would be like with two parented children running around like mad. FireDad has made light-hearted jokes about this decision being one that “saves my life.” While it’s funny, it’s hauntingly true. Neither of us really want to acknowledge that truth so we just laugh. The truth isn’t always easy to accept.
And so, our strange little family as you see it is complete. I won’t get to participate in any Bump Watches. There will be no more announcing a pregnancy in creative ways. (By the way? Last week, I watched the rerun of Scrubs where Carla gets pregnant and sobbed.) No more pictures like the one above which shows my accomplishment of making it full term (taken at 36w6d, the last day of a pre-term pregnancy). Instead, I will cherish every single one of these milestones that my children will hit over the coming years. I will celebrate and laugh with them… and cry and commiserate with them as well.
And when they ask me why (whywhywhywhywhy! as kids do) FireDad and I didn’t give them another sibling under our own roof, I already know my reply. Quite simply, I wanted to be around to see them grow up, to be their Mommy. Because, even when they get under my skin, I love every moment of it.
Well, almost every moment. LittleBrother puked down my back last night. Awesome.
10 Responses to “No More Bumps for Me/Us/Them”
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I can really relate to making that final decision of, no more for me. I’ve had 4 csections and the last one, wow…. let’s just say that thinner than tissue paper are my innards!
Being around to be one’s mommy is so very important…I think lots of parents tend to forget that.
Enjoy,
Barbara
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The power of your honesty is immense. Your words filled my heart… and overflowed me to tears. And at the same time I was smiling at your strength and energy… and especially your humor. Your writing is potent.
I am so happy to see your LittleBrother baby bump. You look radiant! I hope more mamas post baby bumps from, well, forever!
By the way, Audrey’s husband comes from Pittsburgh… big giant crazy obsessed Steeler fans… which is kinda a problem since we are diehard Patriots fans here in New England! We’ll just have to see which team Audrey’s 3 boys (almost 4) choose! And which quarterback to emulate!!?? Actually, Audrey is is Pittsburgh right now for the Easter weekend.
Thank you for visiting Pinks & Blues… you are an extraordinary mama, woman, writer.
Sharon – Pinks & Blues
Sometimes I think we are made to feel guilty if we don’t want to bless the world with another of our offspring but really, having a family of two healthy children is quite an accomplishment, honor and a lot of work. We plan to stop at 2 as well but have no “legitimate” reason like health. We just only want two kids and we are fine with that. Now that we are over half way through the preganancy of daughte r#2 it is odd to think this is the last time and to think that our family is complete. I do believe though that God is sovereign. I guess if we are meant to have 3 it will happen unplanned.
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I’ve been through this, too. No matter how much you know that you’re doing the right thing, it will still hit you at odd times that there won’t be any more little ones.
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Such a heart searching post! so good for you to get it out! Although I am a grandmother now, I can also remember the days when we made that decision and yet sometimes I would think well maybe and then I found the decision had been taken away from me (a medical prob.) and I did the same as you the tears with tv shows etc. but time goes on and your grieving ends, the memories help, the photos will help! the CHILDREN WILL HELP Cherish this time because I promise they grow up fast and soon it will be grandbabies you are holding and then not holding but watching play!
I love the saying
Cooking and cleaning can wait ’til tomorrow,
For children grow up we learn to our sorrow,
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep,
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
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This made me cry. I also look at pregnant women with envy, cry at birth announcements, dream of other babies but realize it won’t happen.
Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!
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This was such an open, honest, soul-baring post. I’m so sorry for your loss, so happy for the two wonderful little men who keep you busy, and totally understand health reasons for not wanting more. Both my girls were preemies because of insanely high blood pressure and well, yeah, we decided it was best if I actually stayed alive to raise them, rather than risk a third pregnancy. Plus, I’ve got my hands full! I don’t think I could handle any more anyway!!
I think we have it the way it’s supposed to be.
And can I just say, you looked absolutely fabulous as a highly pregnant woman!! I looked like a bloated, flushed, slug. Oh wait, I WAS!!!
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I can’t even imagine how I’ll feel when I get to the point where we’re done. I just want to be able to give my son a sibling, so I don’t even want to think about being done for a long time.
These little ones grow so fast, you can’t help but miss the early stages and feeling them in your belly:)
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Oh, sweetie. I know how you feel.
We’re trying. One more time, for a few months. We missed last month, and this month, I just have all this hope and stress and fear and excitement built up…but it could be for nothing, after all.It could be that Bean is going to be “it” for us. And he is wonderful and perfect and I adore every grubby fingerprint on my wall, yet I still long for just one more time. One more baby. One.
On that note, my co-worker across from me just told me she’s pregnant the other day. Without really trying. I congratulated her warmly and went home to burst into hysterical tears.
(((Hugs))) to you.
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And what a beautiful family it is.
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