Subscribe to Our Feed!I am a reader. I learn best by reading. And re-reading. People have made fun of me for reading books on topics regarding certain aspects of parenting, arguing that a child’s speech will develop without my help or understanding of the process. And, really, I’m sure it will. But I like to know how a child’s speech develops. Or how to help them with potty training. Or, you know, how to appropriately discipline a headstrong two year old heckbent on driving me insane. Okay, maybe the latter isn’t true. Maybe he’s just as frustrated as I am with all of this… and by this, I’m referring to the Screamy Mommy Days. It’s okay. Even some great Moms I know say they happen, too. You don’t have Screamy Mommy Days? Please hit the back button now.
I knew things were going downhill a few months ago. I was sleep deprived and dealing with postpartum depression while trying to learn how to nurse a distractable baby and potty train a distractable two year old… all at the same time. Things weren’t going well. Heck. Things weren’t going. At all. My default voice level was high. I was grumpy. Overwhelmed. And BigBrother was as well. I purchased two books. And ignored them for awhile. Things finally came to a head and I sat down, first, with ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel.
And it started out well. It really, really did. I was excited. I liked how each chapter ended with reflection questions so I could appropriately gauge where I was in my progress. I was dog-earing pages left and right. I was sharing quotes. I wanted to be ScreamFree! Who doesn’t? Screaming is no fun and, in reality, it only begets more screaming. (Of note: it’s not just about screaming. It’s about ANY sort of reactionary parenting whether that is yelling, hitting, ignoring, shutting down or what have you.)
But then the book started to annoy the heck out of me. And I wanted to scream at the book. Or toss it out the window. Or react in some negative way, which is exactly what the books says you should never, ever, ever, ever do. React, that is. It repeated this over and over. And that’s fine. I get that we should all be in control of ourselves and to do so we need to pay attention to ourselves above and beyond what we do for and with our children. I even agree. But the way this book is worded? Wasn’t beneficial to me. Why?
If you have any anxiety problems above and beyond what you’re serving for dinner or what to wear to church on Sunday, this might not be the book for you. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and am currently dealing with postpartum depression. If you have any anxiety disorders… or even think that you have a problem handling anxiety… do not pick up this book. It will only make you feel worse.
The author speaks about anxiety as though it is something to be easily handled and dealt with; just stop, breathe and wish your anxiety away. Hi, Author Man. If getting rid of my anxiety was that easy, well, I probably wouldn’t have a diagnosis of GAD and PPD, now would I? No amount of breathing is going to magically erase my anxiety. And all this book did was make me feel worse about the fact that I can’t always control my anxiety. I do have great coping mechanisms learned through therapy. I can handle it in slow, methodical ways. But “in the moment,” it is harder for me to stop and breathe than the average mom. I am aware of that, of course, and do try to get a hold of my anxiety. But this book was not written for moms facing similar challenges. Maybe it will help “ordinary” parents. But I’m “extra”ordinary and as such found almost no use for this book.
BigBrother did. He and LittleBrother fought over it one afternoon after I tossed it aside. Literally. I think they got more out of it than I ever will.
So, I then picked up my copy of The No-Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantley with some trepidation. Yep. That’s right. The previous book RAISED my anxiety; it did nothing to lower my anxiety and make me feel like I am a capable parent. I went into this book skeptical and wary, figuring I’d never find a way to adequately discipline my child(ren).
Gosh, I love Elizabeth Pantley.
This book did not make me feel like a failure from the very beginning. Instead of forcing me to live up to a standard that no one will ever achieve (never, ever, ever screaming or reacting), Pantley calls the “ScreamFree” version of parenting a blatant myth.
Even the most peaceful, easygoing parent loses patience and yells from time to time — we are all human. No matter how much we love our children, they will try our patience, they will make mistakes and they will bring us to anger.
She goes on to say that as a parent educator and mother of four she has been to known to, you guessed it, yell. And let me tell you, just hearing that someone whose advice I have read and respected and used in my family has raised her voice in the heat of the moment LOWERED my anxiety level. Knowing that I am not alone was comforting and calming. I began to lower my guard and continued to read the book in a hopeful manner.
And the book delivered. Offering me simple techniques for both myself and my child was exactly what I needed. As you may have guessed as BigBrother is two years old, he’s big on the tantrums right now. The section on helping kids lessen tantrums was absolutely flipping fabulous. Some tips?
1. Offer choices.
2. Get Eye to Eye.
3. Validate Feelings.
4. Let it Happen Naturally.
5. Create a Calm Down Room.
6. Teach Deep Breathing & Relaxation.
7. Express Yourself.
8. Tell Him What You DO Want.
9. Distract & Involve.
And more. Each idea was followed with simple instruction, encouragement and ideas. For someone who is going through this discipline stuff for the first time, those simple instructions, ideas and accompanying words of encouragement were of huge value. While the previous book may have some great points about needing to focus on yourself to be a good parent, I need some actual instruction on what the heck to do with tantrums (and so on).
Pantley’s book DOES offer clues as to how to calm yourself down as a parent, just like the other book, but does so in a positive, encouraging manner. For example, do you get more stressed when things are noisy, loud and chaotic? I do. Apparently other parents do as well. Remove the noise and mess and you will be less likely to flip your lid. Good tip, right?! RIGHT! And the best sentence in the whole book?
A raised voice is not necessarily a bad thing — if it is controlled and respectful.
Seriously. I love Pantley. As I read that, I thought back over that previous week and thought about my raised voice moments. To be brutally honest, I’m loud. Much like BigBrother, I’m a CAPSLOCK kinda gal. (Just as my Husband. Or my Mom. Or my Dad. Or… uhm, anyone.) As I thought about that week, I realized that the majority of the time, my “yells” weren’t totally out of line or overly reactionary. But some were. Still too many for my liking. And that’s what I needed to work on. Raising my voice to stop BigBrother from whacking LittleBrother with a fire truck is a-okay but yelling without need isn’t going to solve anything.
Pantley’s book ends with a bunch of tips for everyday solutions. Stuff like swearing, traveling, sibling fights (!?), shopping misbehavior (!!), sharing (?!?#??$?#), and not wanting to get out of the bathtub (!!!1!!!@!) are all covered with helpful ideas. I am 100% a believer in the fact that if you are equipped with the knowledge (meaning, ideas), you are much more likely to keep your cool in a situation. That’s what the other book lacked: actual tips on how to handle stressful situations with your child. And, you know, encouragement. And, you know, anything of worth.
We are all vastly different people. If you don’t deal with anxiety like I do, perhaps the first book will be of some use to you. However, with both the encouraging tone and helpful tips found throughout Pantley’s book, I can’t help but recommend it a thousand times over Runkel’s attempt at parenting advice. No, Pantley’s book won’t magically make your children into angelic creatures but it will help you along in your parenting journey.
And don’t we all need a little help now and then?
Speaking of reviews, I just reviewed a children’s magazine, Babybug, over at Modern Mamma Marvels. Stop in!
14 Responses to “Discipline, Parents, Books and Baloney”
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The Pantley book sounds great! She may have covered this in her book, but I recently came across this interesting article about tantrums. My son has just started in on the whole tantrum scene and my first inclination has been to figure out how to avoid it or stop it. This article has given me excellent food for thought though in explaining that tantrums are not misbehavior but rather a way for a child to emotionally release the intense feelings and emotions they have. While of course one still has to *deal* withthe tantrums, it was really helpful for me to get this perspective on tantrums not necessarily being a bad thing…
http://www.mothering.com/articles/growing_child/toddlers/tantrums.html
I particularly liked these two quotes:
“Tantrums are the “sneeze” that ejects the foreign material of frustration from your child’s mind and body, so she can be proud of her abilities and her circumstances again.”
“Tantrums, crying, trembling and perspiring in the release of fear, and all the loud noises that go with emotional release are not misbehavior. They are a healing process that sets your child right with herself again.”
By the way, I think it sounds like you are doing a GREAT job mama in all respects!
I LOVE Ms. Pantley, too. She’s the main helpful source I’ve had in getting my non-sleeper to sleep. Love, love, love her approaches and techniques and that she includes options for everyone.
You’ve sold me on yet another book. We’re hitting the tantrum stage so I think now would be a good time to buy this one. Discipline is one area I really struggle in because as a child I didn’t really have much…so I don’t really have a good idea of what healthy discipline is and how to use it practically!
How’s the potty training one working out for you? Would you recommend that one as well?
Secretly, I will tell you that I really hate parenting books because I always feel like I am doing things wrong. You will rarely ever find me in that section of the store BUT my son was driving me bonkers. I love him to death, but he was having extremely horrible tantrums and is very strong-willed and was hitting me and in general, making my life really miserable.
If you want to venture into another parenting book (from a person who hates parenting books and theories on dealing with children or books that make her feel like a moron) please read this entry I wrote….it changed my life. Truly changed my life.
http://tinyurl.com/69bbzd
I promise never to spam your blog again
I have a lot of anxiety and I have depression and this fit with my style of parenting without making any huge commitments 
*sighs*
I’m glad you posted this and gave that warning, but now I’m stumped. Like you (as you already know), I also have GAD and struggled (am struggling?) with PPD. Essentially, I am the exact person you warned against reading this book. And I was planning to, too. It’s on my Amazon wishlist, and I was going to buy it within the next week or two (whenever I get around to it, basically). Now I’m not so sure. I don’t think NCDS is going to help me much at this stage, as you can’t really discipline a not-quite-6-month-old…
The search continues.
Thank you for your very honest review and warning.
I love how you’ve touched on the issue that certain types of books and authors only make those of us with PPD and anxiety feel horribly worse. So true!!!! Some of these books need a black box warning.
I love Elizabeth Pantley. She is about the only parenting author who doesn’t make me want to throw the book across the room when I read her stuff.
Hey, did you ever read “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”? If not, DON’T. Talk about preachy and unhelpful. The whole thing read like “You have a responsibility to make your child a healthy sleeper by (essentially ignoring their needs)! If your child isn’t sleeping well it is your fault! You must be doing something wrong!” I cried for an hour. Then I threw it away and picked up Pantley. It was like the sun burst through the clouds.
Also, in case I haven’t mentioned lately, you are an awesome mom. You really are. Hugs.
Coco; A few people suggested Weissbluth’s book to me when we were dealing with BB’s sleep issues. I read some reviews, both on Amazon and on other (wonderful) Mommy blogs and knew, without picking up the book in my own two hands, that it wasn’t for us. And, thank you, my dear. I’m needing some encouragement as of late. Ugh.
Leah; Yes. The Potty Training book was fabulous. A few Moms have complained, stating that the ideas in the book are “common sense.” But the ideas weren’t on my list of common knowledge ideas. It really helped us to better help BB. (I should update about potty issues, no? Soon.)
WOW! This post is fantastic! I just read through this post twice and actually took notes from it!! Thanks so much for this!!
- Audrey
Audrey; Thanks!
Glad to be of service.
Oh my gosh – how have I missed this? I LOVED her No Cry Sleep solution for Toddlers and plan to check out the potty training- where was the discipline version on my library shelf? I’m adding to my list to get! Thanks!
I am so going to get that book! I felt EXACTLY the same as you about the scream-free parenting. ANd the No-Cry sleep solution made me feel sooooo much better about everything.
I’m so glad I read this!
Thanks!
I have not read this book but I enjoyed your section on “helpful tips” for temper tantrums. If you like those options, you may want to check out Conscious Discipline [www.consciousdiscipline.com]. It’s a theory that my preschool operates under and can be applied to a home, classroom, or your own life [brace yourself because there is some sunshine and rainbows and "take a deep breath and wish it all away" kind of mumbo jumbo but BEYOND that]. It shows clear obvious reasons why it’s important to reframe a child’s behavior positively, gain your own composure so you can handle the child [that's where some of the take a deep breath junk comes in], how to offer choices, and how to effectively deliver consequences. It also offers suggestions of how to connect with a child. “Connect first, direct second”.
I have NOT read any of Becky Bailey’s books but I have seen her dvd series, I’ve used the principles in my class with a variety of ages (some of it with infants even, but mostly from 1 year up to 12 years), and I’ve heard her certified trainers give workshops. In my opinion, it is worth looking into to bring awareness of why some things do not work and why we as parents continue to use them anyway. My suggestion if your use is as a parent would be to try out “Easy to love, Difficult to Discipline” as the most cost effective (and geared towards the home) book. Again, I am not recommending the book to you but I’m recommending the theory to you….I hope that this book brings it across in the effective way that I was taught it.
I’m actually currently attending a week long workshop with one of her trainers at the moment and am inspired into purchasing this book for myself to add to my knowledge. If you decide to check it out, please keep me posted on your opinions and thoughts
Oh and I forgot to mention….the biggest portion! It’s science based, explaining how the brain works, and how you can help your child learn to problem solve and make the right choices. (Yes, at two, at three, at four, at five). From the website:
Conscious Discipline is specifically designed to teach the following:
– Anger management
– Helpfulness (pro-social skills)
– Assertiveness
– Impulse Control
– Cooperation
– Empathy
– Problem solving
And that’s with the parents and the kids….