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My maternal grandfather passed away yesterday morning.
I’m still living in some sort of shock. He had a stroke a few weeks back. On Friday he had a bleed on the brain. We knew things weren’t well. We had been mentally preparing for something like this for quite some time. But perparing mentally and actually living the process are two different things.
My maternal grandpa is actually my Mom’s stepdad. He is, however, the only grandfather I acknowledge when it comes to my maternal lineage. He was always part of my life. He was our all-year-round Santa Claus. And as his mind started to fade over the past few years, he still always had a joke for me. He was what a grandpa should be: present and fun.
This is the first immediate grandparent I have lost. And I am stunned to silence. My maternal-paternal great-grandparents died when I was a senior in high school. My maternal-maternal-paternal great-great-grandmother died when I was in college. I lost my maternal-maternal great-grandfather when I was four. But this is the first grandparent that I’ve had to say goodbye to. And I’m not particularly enjoying the process.
I have been blessed to have so many living, present, fun and amazing grandparents. I don’t know many people like me. Again, my maternal-maternal great-grandmother is still alive. And kicking! This is a new emotion for me. A loss on a different level. I don’t know where to put it. How to box it up neatly and nicely. And knowing, however morbid the thought, that we’ll have to go through this again someday is almost too much to handle.
And I haven’t told BigBroter. I don’t know how. He won’t remember him. He won’t remember the all-year-round Santa that graced our family. He won’t remember the jokes. The wise cracks. The laughter. And I think that’s sad.
The funeral is Friday. We’re leaving for The Farm (which now has electric) on Thursday. FireDad is taking a bereavement day from the Fire Department and heading out with us so we will be together as a family. I have posts set to post that don’t have anything to do with death, dying or grandparents for the rest of the week. Quite honestly, I can’t begin to process this emotion just yet but when I do, I’ll be sure to write. Until then, say a prayer for my family and read my upcoming posts with the knowledge that I am 100% avoiding my own personal reality right now. I think I’m afforded that right.
After all, the first stage of grieving is denial. Here I come!
17 Responses to “The First Time You Say Goodbye”
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My name is Jenna, aka FireMom. I blog here, 
We’re so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs across the miles and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
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I’m sorry to hear about your Grandfather. It’s hard. It’s almost 2 years since I lost my Grandma and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.
Prayers to you and your family.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad that FireDad can take the day to be with you on Friday. Family is what you need right now.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
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I’m so sorry for your loss. My grandparents were just barely approaching middle age when I was born, so I had them around for a long time (I was forty when the last one died). It is such a strange and empty feeling to know that these people, who are so deeply entwined in one’s childhood and young adult memories, whose names figure deeply in so many stories are gone. It’s so, so sad. I’ve learned, though, that by keeping the stories going, by keeping photos on display, my grandparents continue to be living, breathing people to my children, not just places we visit with headstones.
I’m so sorry. I’ll be thinking of you.
My deepest condoloences to you and your family, J. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.
Twitter: Hedra
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I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather’s death. No matter how prepared or aware we may be, a loss like that is never easy.
I’ll be praying for you and your family this week.
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Oh, I am so sorry. I will keep you all in my thoughts.
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
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I’m so sorry to hear about your grandpa…not a day goes by that I don’t think of both of my grandfathers. They each taught me different things in their own ways. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry, Jenna. Praying for you and your whole family.
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Thinking of you. It’s never easy to lose a grandparent, no matter your age. Enjoy the family time to take and share the best of the memories. Laugh as you cry, as you talk about the great man he is and was.
Share those stories with your sons… Be there for your mom…
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[...] I said on Tuesday morning, my Grandpa passed away on Monday. As I lived in a state of shock for most of that day, I [...]
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. No matter the loss (nor how often or infrequent) the sting never hurts any less. My thoughts are with your family.
Jenna, I’m so very sorry. I’d like to think there’s a neat box for just this sort of grief and loss, but we know it’s never that easy. Thing is, no matter how “neat” I get it on a daily basis, the box sits there and when I take the lid off, the emotions – and the memories – flow. And there is so much good in the memories.
Wishing you many wonderful ones. Perhaps your love of writing can help make some of your own family memories into tangible stories for your children — and he’ll be kept in their hearts always, too.
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I’m so sorry. I lost all of my grandparents and I still miss them terribly, even though the last of them, my grandmother passed away 15 years ago. You never stop missing them, or wanting to share something with them, it’s so hard. My paternal grandparents raised me and I miss them both so much. It’s funny that my kids didn’t know people who were the biggest part of my life. Thank goodness now we live in the age where we can have videos and all kinds of neat things that I didn’t have to share with my kids. I’m sorry, I got OT a little bit. You have my prayers in the loss of your grandfather.
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