Love Thursday: Loving Me, Too

Three years ago, I was just entering my 38th week of pregnancy. My appointment wouldn’t come for another three days. I would be weighed. The nurse would balk at the nine pounds gained in six days. My urine would be checked. The nurse would balk at the protein. My blood pressure would be checked. The nurse would immediately fetch the doctor. And we would be sent to the hospital for immediate induction. The following day, BigBrother would enter this world and begin changing everything from that very first breath.

It all seems so long ago, almost as if the memory belongs to someone else. For surely, I must tell you, there is no way that my precious little baby could be turning three this coming Monday. I just blinked. That’s all that happened.

Today, on Love Thursday, I am more cognizant of how I have changed in the past three years than about the changes he has gone through as I’ll delve into those in great, nostalgic detail on Monday. Right now I am sitting at a kitchen table that is covered in new pictures that arrived, a folder of preschool information, a calendar that I can’t keep up to date, invitations to a birthday party for a child that is not the one I was expecting on this day three years ago, a check for a t-shirt order for the child I was expecting three years ago, sippy cups, mail and dust. Oh, the dust.

The pants I am wearing are a size bigger. My hair has changed a billion and one times. My refrigerator is covered with the best darn artwork known to mankind. I don’t have time to focus on figuring out why my skin is constantly broken out. And I’m the happiest I have been in eons.

My patience is simultaneously shorter and longer. Perhaps my patience is best explained in that I have little patience for outside-of-family interruptions and more patience for things that matter most. I have done things that I said I would never do as a parent. I have done things I never thought to say I would never do. And I have grown and evolved even with the things I said I would definitely do.

I have changed. I am more than just BigBrother’s (or LittleBrother’s) mommy. It is true that BigBrother has helped me grow into that role, into that skin. But he has also helped me realize how important it is to take time for myself. To develop my interests and pursue my dreams. The sparkle in his eyes, shaped so much like my own, have reminded me to rekindle my own sparkle and go after the things that I desire. Being his mommy has reminded me of what is important and what can wait. And in learning that, I have become a better person.

If I would have had a moment to glimpse into the future on this day three years ago, I would have laughed at myself. I would have told myself to clean this table. To finish the laundry. To dress better while going to pick up my son from preschool. I would have questioned why my children were so close in age. I would have berated myself for so many things.

But in the past three years, I have learned that loving my children as best I can means that I need to love myself as best I can. And I think that’s a lesson in love that we could all learn from today. All of the changes in the past three years boil down to learning how to love myself despite my faults or, perhaps, because of my faults.

Happy Love Thursday, all.