Worry & The Fire Wife

I’m starting out the week with a sleep defecit. I did get to make up an hour as both boys slept until 8:30 this morning. But I’m still deep in the hole. Why?

I only got four hours of sleep on Saturday night. I’d like to tell you that the reason is something awesome like I was out with Very Important People doing Very Important Things. Or even because I was tending to the needs of one of my wonderful children. No, it’s nothing overly awesome.

I was just being a Worry Wart.

FireDad was teaching a fire class on Saturday in some far away, now-forgotten-name-of-a-city in Ohio. It was a three hour drive. Saturday was an incredibly windy day. Teaching how to put out a fire with the added drama of wind isn’t likely all that easy. So, as midnight came and went, my nerves started to tingle. As 1:00am came and went, I started imagining worst case scenarios. (Also, I had driven home from Pittsburgh in the same wind and so I started imagining the Mustang off the side of the road due to wind.) By 1:45, I finally called.

Hearing his voice was an instantaneous relief. He was just getting off the interstate. He had to drop off his gear at the Fire Department and he would be home shortly. I started breathing again.

But the truth is that this won’t be the last time that I’m awake until all hours of the night. While I will admit that I no longer listen to the scanner when he is called away to a fire, the truth is that I still worry. Mid-day fires aren’t any easier as I’m more conscious of the time and will watch the clock all day until I hear from him or until he walks in that door.

The worry, despite knowing that he is an intelligent and capable firefighter working with other intelligent and capable firefighters, has changed over the years. It’s less intense. But it’s still there. I still find myself imagining those worst case scenarios even though I know that there is no point in doing such a thing. I still find myself calling his cell phone if I feel that he’s been gone far too long, knowing full well that if he is fighting a fire, he can’t answer the phone. I am less distracted now, having the boys to concentrate on, but I still deal with the worry.

He’s safe right now. Actually, he’s asleep on the couch next to me right now as they fought a fire at 3:00 this morning. One that I didn’t know about because I had been asleep for hours at that point, not knowing to get my pre-worry on before I went to bed. I prefer it this way, really, when he’s called out to a fire in the middle of night while he’s at work. I don’t have a chance to hear the sirens in the night or the scanner as it is in the living room. I am able to sleep. All is well with our world.

I don’t know if there will come a time where I don’t worry when he’s not home at 1:45am. In fact, I would venture to guess that there won’t come a time when such a thing will happen. I do know, however, that I am grateful that he is sleeping half on my lap right now. Much like BigBrother is dealing with right now, I miss him when he’s gone.

And I’m glad he’s here.