The Flip Side of Doing Something for Me

All of the parenting books say to do it. All of the moms I know say to do it. But talking about it and putting it into practice are two different things. What? “Doing something for yourself.” It’s worded differently depending on who is doing the talking or advice giving. Find your passion. Make time for yourself. Rediscover your mojo. However it is phrased, the advice simply means to have something outside of mothering and working that is “yours.”

I didn’t have that for awhile. To be fair to myself, with the boys being two years and one week apart, most of my time was spent being pregnant, being on bed rest, nursing, potty training and otherwise being sleep deprived. Even when I decided to leave the news station and work from home as a freelance writer and editor, I couldn’t figure out how to make time for myself. I was busy with story-time at the library and meeting friends for play-dates and other things that continued to revolve around my (amazing) children.

Last fall, I saw the article in the newspaper. My husband kindly cut out the information and hung it on the fridge. He also prodded me to call and ask the questions that I had. For what? The local singing group was having their annual audition as they began to prepare for a new season. (A season consists of a Christmas concert and a Spring Show.) I looked at the info on the fridge for a few days before making the call. I went to some rehearsals. I auditioned. And I made the group.

Practicing for and performing the Christmas concert was a great experience. It was my first time on stage since college. (Not counting church as that doesn’t involve a stage.) I loved it. It was wonderful. Then January rolled around and we began practicing for the Spring Show.

Having seen said show in previous years, I knew that a it involved a lot of work. But I was not prepared, in any way, for how much work it really involved. Hours and hours of singing. And dancing. And singing and dancing. All of those hours combined last week for the ominous sounding Show Week. It should be renamed, “Week In Which Your Children Forget What Color Your Eyes Are” as the time spent at home with my family was minimal.

The show was wonderful. I had some mistakes. I also, like so many other members, was fighting allergies which had a somewhat negative affect on my solos. But the thrill of it all was definitely very much needed in my life. When I moved to Ohio to marry my husband, I thought my days on the stage were behind me. It’s not as if I was moving to some large city with lots of cultural opportunities. At that point, I didn’t know that our new city of residence had such opportunities. I am thrilled to have found something that not only gives me time to “myself” but allows me to utilize my talents while remembering why it is that I love the stage so dearly.

But there’s something the books don’t tell you about that time you take for yourself.

I missed my family. Horribly. At one point, BigBrother said to me as I prepare to leave the house yet again, “But why?” His big brown eyes swelled with tears and my heart broke a little bit more. Yes, I enjoyed myself as I sang and danced for more hours than I’ve been at the gym all year. Yes, I made new friendships. Yes, I know I did the right thing in the end. But, oh, I didn’t expect to miss them as much as I did. I mean, I was still at home sometimes, right? It’s not the same. I missed many bedtimes, many stories. I missed a t-ball game. I missed meals. I missed laughs. I missed boo-boos. I missed so much. The argument from everyone would be that I also gained lots of things. And I did.

But, oh, how I missed them.

This week we’re heading to Dayton to watch Thomas & Friends Live! On Stage: A Circus Comes to Town on Wednesday courtesy of MomSelect. Despite needing to catch up with a lot of work, I also plan on spending some extra one-on-one time with the boys. And that husband of mine. He put in a lot of extra time this week while I was away without one complaint. In fact, as I got weepy last night over the things I missed, he just told me again and again how proud he was of me.

I’m a very blessed woman, wife and mother.

In the end, I’m glad I auditioned, made it and stuck with the group this year. Will I do it next year? I’m pretty certain. Will I try to figure out how to spend just a little more time with the boys and my husband the week before the show? Yes. I’d also enjoy if someone would create longer days before next Spring. 36 hour days might give me enough time to get things done and sleep and perform and see my children. If our director didn’t fill it with more practicing, of course!

Finding something for me is really what I needed to make myself feel like I belong in this area where, prior to meeting my husband, I didn’t know existed. Now I just need to work harder to strike the balance between me time and family time and work time. It’s hard to find that balance when someone else dictates the schedule but I’m sure that there are things I can do next year that will better achieve that goal.

But today? Today is a jammies and rest kind of day. It has to be.

[Thank you, so much, to my loving, wonderful Husband for everything during show week. From the extra encouragement to the beautiful roses to the extra hours doing things we normally split doing. All during his birthday week. I am more in love with him now than ever. I am the luckiest.]