Are My Children Getting the Best of Me?

I was reading a beautiful post over at To Think is Create last week that made me ask some necessary questions of myself, my schedule, my time and my goals in life. Arianne’s post, entitled “The Best Me,” talked about how her children deserve the real her, the best her. That resonated with me as I’ve been having some Hard Mommy Moments as of late.

Of course, as I was reading her post, I started singing a Foo Fighters song. I’m not totally random. Stay with me here. Her title and the title of one of their songs are close, theirs being “Best of You.” While the two topics are slightly different, the question posed by the song is one to be explored regarding this topic.

Is someone getting the best of you?

Are my kids getting the best of me, the Best Mommy Possible? Or are they falling victim to a short-temper brought about by outside factors like work, dealing with other human beings who also have short-tempers, hurt feelings and the busy-ness of life? Am I giving them the majority of my energy? Am I taking enough time during my busy work-at-home days to make sure that I’m engaging them, challenging them and, most importantly, loving them? Or am I simply doing the bare minimum?

Do I have to answer my own questions?

I have no desire for this post to launch into a nasty response about how good I have it: I know how good I have it. I am so blessed to spend my mornings in a t-shirt and underwear, working from my corner spot on the couch, sipping coffee made by my handsome Husband and stopping to read a book or twelve to my two boys. But, I think, after nearly three years of working from this spot on the couch (well, I initially worked at the desktop), I’ve taken some things for granted.

We take less walks to the park. True, it’s harder with two of them to take such a walk alone but, still, I know more could be taken. We haven’t been playing outside as much as we could (which makes no sense because my new laptop has better battery life and, technically, I could work outside). I haven’t done any crafts this summer (which isn’t all that surprising as I’m not crafty). I have had too many Screamy Mommy Days and not enough Cuddle and Hug Days. Part of me understands that this is part of the give and take of busy months of work and not-so-busy months, busy months of milestones and not-so-busy months. When the two busy ones collide, however, I’m left struggling. Do I finish editing that page or do I drop everything, immediately? I want my children to know that they are important to me but I also need them to understand that I do work to provide for them. The balance: she is tricky.

The good news is that there is an ebb and flow to all of this, the work and the guilt. Every six or so months, I find myself feeling this way. I recognize that something isn’t quite working. I reevaluate what I am doing with and for certain things or people. I find the things that can be put off or cut out completely. I put my kids back to a position of priority in my personal time space continuum and move forward with my life. I can’t cut out work completely but I can better schedule work time with respect to family time. I can involve my children in chores and cooking and other necessary household work (like watering the flowers) by making them think that it is fun. (That won’t always work so I’m using it up now.) I can watch them sleep for just a moment longer when I check on them at night and thank God that I have been blessed with this life. Sure, it’s a busy life. Sure, the busy-ness of it all has made me cry at least five times in the past two week period. Sure, I’m longing for both our camp trip this week into next week and our beach trip next month.

But, I am blessed. And I need to make sure my children feel that they are blessed to have me as a mother. As such, I really need to be working much harder to give them the best me possible. I’ll allow myself the humanness of mistakes. I’m not saying that I’m not going to yell. Or cry. Or think, “Why this? Why now?” But it’s time that I put my best foot forward for my children and not just my bosses, my friends or others. My family has to come first in that regard. They need the best of me.

More over, they’re kids. They need to be read to, to be chased through the house screaming in glee, to play outside whether in their pool or a tent we put up solely for them to pretend to camp. They need to wear costumes and be pirates and chase bugs. They need to build things, tear them down and do it all over again. And if I don’t take the time to do those things with them… who will? (Yes, FireDad would if I wasn’t around but I’m being introspective here.) I want to be the one with the camera, capturing moments like these.

And I want to be the reason for their smiles. (But I don’t have to do a craft today, right?)