Subscribe to Our Feed!
I parent better in public.
There. I’ve said it. I have been toying with this blog topic, in my head and in various draft forms, for weeks. Months. Maybe years. It has all blurred together. The point is that it is the truth: I parent better in public. I am more patient. I watch my tone better. Meaning, what I’m trying to say, is that I don’t yell. And it’s not even just about yelling or lack-of-yelling. It’s that I’m happier when we’re out-and-about, out of the house that confines us during most of our week.
I am only daring to write this post because I finally confessed this fact to a close friend of mine and she replied, and I quote, “OMG ME TOO.” Oh, validation, how sweet you feel. That validation quickly passed and I wondered, “What if we’re the only two? What if I really am a horrible parent and I have just made friends with someone else who is equally off?” I’m hoping that’s not the case. If it is, please don’t tell me.
I’m not a bad parent at home. I love my boys and I love to interact with them even though my schedule is somewhat full (or, insane). I love to read books, color, bake, chase, play with toys, bathe and really do anything but crafts with these two boys. I do have a tendency, however, to yell too much, which I work on in intervals (meaning that one certain week of the month is far worse than the other three and I begin working on it again once sanity returns). I also don’t say negative or nasty things to them in the privacy of our own home. I use my volume (oh, my volume) to stop certain actions (STOP LICKING YOUR BROTHER!) or to cause others (GET TO THE TABLE!). I never call my children names, berate them for mistakes or step across a line of verbal abuse. I am just loud at home. I hate it. But I am.
I also get frustrated more easily at home. Or, perhaps the better way to explain it is this way: I get equally frustrated at home but feel that my home is a safe place to sit down and cry whereas I would rather die than cry in public. I am not the Mom who screams at her children in a store. I do use my outdoor voice to get BigBrother to stop pushing LittleBrother down the slide from across the playground but I am assuming that outside voices are usually acceptable outdoors. Right? But if a public meltdown occurs, which they do, I have no problem calmly pulling my child onto my lap, whispering in his ear and getting him calmed down or, at worst, removing him from the situation so he can calm down on his own. Why can’t I use my quiet voice at home?
I tend to make sure that we get out of the house regularly. As the colder months move in, I know that will bring about the need for creative planning. When FireDad was away all weekend with overtime and the recent big fire, I was certain to get out and about (the park, the store, anywhere really) so that I wouldn’t lose my mind. They had fun. I kept my volume under control. And we all survived the long, overwhelming weekend.
Please don’t get the wrong idea. My children aren’t in danger at home. I’m just writing this because I wish I could use my Public Patience more frequently at home. My close friend to whom I admitted this issue to the other day said that she had recently read to pretend as though you are in public when your child is acting up or your feel yourself becoming overwhelmed. As much as I encourage imagination and love to play pretend with the boys, I know that there’s no audience in BigBrother’s bedroom when LittleBrother has, once again, emptied two whole shelves of his brother’s books. Or at the dinner table (our most recent Issue of Doom) when one son has decided that he doesn’t need to eat and just simply gets down while the other one stays in his seat and just whines about it. (Help?) Or when they are refusing to share a toy even though we have two of the very same toy. I know that I’ve read Screamfree Parenting
It’s hard to admit, that I’m not the parent I really want to be. I have flaws. This is one of mine: my volume when it comes to frustration, to overwhelming moments, to that breaking point between my quiet, calm voice and my not-so-quiet, not-so-calm yell. I do figure, however, as there are at least two of us who feel this way that, perhaps, there might be more out there somewhere, also afraid to admit that they feel better when they’re out and about with the kids. Maybe one of you has an idea. Or an encouraging word. Or a constructive kick in the pants. I love being with my kids at home, our quiet moments and the laughter that is usually wafting down the hallway. But I wish I was able to be the parent I want to be at all times. That’s the perfectionist in me, no doubt. I’ll likely never reach that lofty goal. But I’d settle for yelling less in general.
So, if you see me in public this winter with slightly messy hair and a crazed-look in my eye, just smile and nod. Maybe pat me on the back or point me in the direction of a good coffee shop. I’m simply trying to maintain sanity and bring my parenting back to the level of strength and quiet which I prefer.
_
[Photo Note: He's happy in that picture. I promise.]
17 Responses to “I Parent Better in Public”
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.
My name is Jenna, aka FireMom. I blog here, 
I am like this as well. Think it’s pretty common actually. But you know what i discovered one day? And this was completley accidental btw. I had a camera on me. I was video’ing something for youtube and my kids who weren’t listening to me (once again!) hit that nerve and I started yelling. So then I got ticked cause I video’d myself yelling. Then I watched it. Yea, it was horrible. After that I was better for a bit. And when I backslide…I put a camera on me. I haven’t gotten the habit out completely but it’s helping.
.-= Angela´s last blog ..Another Day of Halloween Goodies =-.
Oh, I hear you and I resemble that remark. My younger one (5), keeps me on my toes and some days it is best for all involved for him to have stimulation that is outside the home. Be kind to yourself.
Oh hun. ME TOO. I am absolutely right there with you, with all my good intentions. If it helps, my kids are now 8 and 6 and although I still would like to not yell in my house, they take the volume in stride. There’s a huge difference between volume and being nasty. Kids know the difference.
Count me in, too! You’re definitley not alone!!!!
OMG ME TOO.
I think there are a lot of these things that we all do but don’t want to admit to it because we’re afraid we’re the only ones.
This sounds so much like me too! My little ones are close to the same ages as yours and we barely get out. We only have 1 vehicle that my husband uses for work, so there are times that I don’t leave the house/yard for a week or more. It definitely can get overwhelming and I have the volume issue quite often. I love that you brought this up, so I don’t feel like I’m the only one either. (And I totally relate to that time of the month!)
I like that your friend suggested pretending to be in public. I have done that a time or 2 and need to remember that one more often!
.-= Kristie´s last blog ..Make Something Monday: Old-Fashioned Soft Pumpkin Cookies =-.
I can completely relate. I have struggled with this as well . . . I wouldn’t say I shout a lot, but sometimes I do feel like I’m better in public because I don’t want anyone to judge me or think I’m abusive. I’m similar to you at home, I play with my son, interact with him and most of the time I speak calmly and don’t freak out. But those days I do…oh the guilt.
I have to agree with your friend that parenting at home like we are in public is one very good way to go!
Great, thoughtful post here!
I think most of us struggle with this. My kids behave better in public than at home, and I think this is what throws me off at times. I know they can behave…so why don’t they?
I’m a screaming trying to become a reformed screamer.
Oh girl, I feel ya. These days I do a lot of separating of the older two when I can’t take the squabbles. Meals will never be the easiest part of our day. Getting out of the house is a necessity. It’s a lot just the age and them seeking things out repetitively whether it be a favorite book or a favorite ‘naughty’ behavior. At LB’s age my oldest would empty her dresser time and again and we finally just put her clothes in rubbermaid tubs and left her an empty dresser. Maybe BB’s books need to go in a closed trunk/box save a few?
Most of my kid meltdowns are too tired or too hungry. We NEED to do lunch at 1130, better at 11 or they lose it. As much as it ‘ruins’ their appetite for dinner a good snack at 430pm does wonders. They also freak if we have to rush to go somewhere, i.e. only five minutes to get everyone coats/shoes/potty runs done so I try to acknowledge to myself that I’ve put them in a tough sitch and yelling will not undo that.
As moms we’re allowed to have had enough of the noise and mayhem. I’m not sure I have anything constructive, but my new tac seems to be working when I say I’ve asked you x times and now I’m beginning to feel mad. Sometimes it works, sometimes I yell. We’re all good moms even when we yell. I wish I had more IRL moms to dish about the nutty stuff my kids do. So thank you for being upfront about this.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..show =-.
You have also described me. At home I lose my patience easily and am much louder. I think we also all 3 get bored at home so we get on each other’s nerves easily. I need to work on my tone of voice.
.-= Christy@pipandsqueak´s last blog ..Last days in CA =-.
The two of you are most definitely not the only ones!! I have volume issues. Major volume issues. I have always said it comes from my mother. The truth is when I am having a normal conversation and I get excited – positively or negatively – I can get very loud without even realizing it. And yes, when I am home and overwhelmed – which happens to me and I do not have all the work things you have going on (does that make me a bad parent?) – I sometimes yell. I try hard not to. I go through periods where I am doing well – and others where I am not. As I write this I think about how I yelled tonight – I felt frustrated and overwhelmed and annoyed and I yelled. Like you said – I got loud, nothing I said was mean or nasty or even negative – I yelled “I LOVE YOU BUT PLEASE LET ME GO DO DISHES!!” But still I yelled. And I wish I was more in control. Maybe I will check out that book of yours.
You couldn’t have said it better! I too stand in public and think, why can’t I be so gentle at home? Why do I lose my mind and yell at home? Why do I have an angel’s patience in public? I need to check Screamfree Parent out…I need all the help I can get! Thanks for being so honest! You are not alone.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..Perty by Thirty Weeks 38 and 39 =-.
Twitter: katie_in_ma
says:
Oh, I can so relate! And I hope you blog your way through any solutions you try out, because I would love to read about things I could try at home. I *do* have a volume issue…and a patience issue. I’ve always knows that I have no patience, but I never thought I’d have the problem with volume that I do. My mom was never the paragon on patience, but she always found other ways to express herself. She *never* yelled. So I feel like not only have I failed my kiddos but myself as well.
So what do we do about it? Give ourselves a sticker chart and work towards some reward? Give our kids permission to tell us to use our indoor voices?
PLEASE keep blogging about this…I’m interested to see the rest of it play out.
.-= Katie in MA´s last blog ..Well, I WAS going strong. =-.
I’m the same way. But I’ve also come to the conclusion that my son is better in public too. At home I could repeat myself 20 times without a response, while in public he listens on the first go.
It’s definitely something I work on every day. I don’t want to yell. I hope to find other solutions. But some days, all I want to do is pull my hair out!
.-= Staci A´s last blog ..Oh Boys =-.
I’m certain this is a VERY common feeling moms have.
As for me, just this past Sunday I found myself thinking – WHY can’t I parent better in public? Because the quiet, calming tactics I use at home just don’t well in public places at times. I can’t very well ignore the loud preschooler and walk away. I’m so embarrassed at times that I just grab him and talk very fiercely to him and do completely ineffective things to try to get him to stop his negative behaviours. I can’t very well walk away from him or ignore as he’s acting like a goof or running away from me out of a classroom into a hall…… It wouldn’t be safe.
So I resort to just trying to grab a few more minutes to finishing what I need to, and apologizing to whatever adult we might have offended…..
I do embarrass myself, because I’d handle it totally differently if I had more time and were at home. I often wonder if people think I have no control over him. But in my case, my son exhibits some different behaviors in public -I think he gets overstimulated and nervous easily in front of others, so some times I’m just not prepared for him.
I’m pretty patient at home, but I’m ten times more patient in public! Although, I’ve noticed the boys are also calmer and less cranky when we’re out and about. Maybe we just need to get out more.
.-= Loretta´s last blog ..Simple Halloween treats you Can Make in Minutes =-.
“It’s hard to admit, that I’m not the parent I really want to be.”
I’ll admit it here, but I won’t admit it on my blog! I am the same way, and like you said, I am not the parents that I wanted to be!