So Close in Age but So Different

I’ve been forced to think about the similarities and differences between my two boys this week. As BigBrother celebrated his fourth birthday with pancakes for breakfast, pierogies for supper, cake and a stack of presents, LittleBrother happily tagged along. I mean, he got to eat all of the same foods and join in the festivities. That is, he got to join in until the birthday present opening process.

He sat on FireDad’s lap, watching his older brother open his presents. He started out with a smile. It faded over time. (Of course, so did mine because BigBrother was taking an eternity to open each present very precisely and remove every possible scrap of paper from his newly acquired toys and gifts.) LittleBrother never cried. He didn’t grab anything away from his brother but you could see his thought process. It went something like this: “Oh! Brother is opening a present! Look at that! It’s a game! Oh, now he’s taking the next present off the pile. A puzzle! He’s taking another one? And another one! OH! LOOK! JESSIE! But that’s his, too? What the flying frig is going on here, Batman?”

Or something of that nature.

I tried to explain that his birthday was next week. “Next week” means almost nothing when you’re just shy of two, even if your vocabulary is somewhat insane. That said, he’s going to be rather miffed because I didn’t think to also get him a Jessie doll and when he opens his presents at the party this Sunday and on his birthday this coming Tuesday and finds that he does not, in fact, have a Jessie doll, well, the world will likely end. Forget 2012. The Earth will shatter on Tuesday, November 24, 2009. That said, BigBrother is likely to be equally peeved that he did not get a gigantic dump truck nor a whole series of construction vehicles for his birthday. I can’t please anyone.

I’m okay with that. Mostly.

I’ve been learning that having a sibling so close has to be frustrating for these two boys. I found it frustrating to have a sibling eight years younger than me when I was growing up but, to be fair, if he annoyed me, I just went to my room and shut the door. End of drama. LittleBrother follows BigBrother everywhere. Alone time is minimal except for naps, bedtime and when BigBrother goes to school, giving LittleBrother some one-on-one time here at home. Even their birthdays are in close succession; they end up with a joint birthday party due to travel distance and the Thanksgiving holiday. That’s why it was so important for me to make a big deal out of each of their birthday-days. Unfortunately, LittleBrother has no concept of time and, as of right now, feels like he got shorted. I feel bad. Hopefully this coming Tuesday will make up for it.

On a different level, I feel bad for BigBrother at times. I know why as well. I was the older sibling, as I said, by eight years. I was always expected to be the “bigger person” but, man, my brother was a professional at testing my patience. LittleBrother knows all the right buttons to push in order to get BigBrother to melt down, freak out or otherwise lose his cool. I’ve heard myself say, “You’re the big brother. He’s still learning. Please behave.” Oh, ugh! If ever I have sounded like my parents, that was it! Yes, it’s true. He is the older brother. Yes, it’s true. His younger brother is still learning things like sharing, taking turns and other social norms. But BigBrother is only four. Sharing, at any age, isn’t all that fun. Always having to be the “bigger person” sucked for me. I don’t want BigBrother to feel that I was always on his case and gave his brother too much leeway. Do I? I don’t know. Where is that balance?

It would help if their personalities were at all similar. They are not. FireDad and I are parenting two vastly different children. They respond differently to discipline methods. They respond differently to transitions. They respond differently to meal time, play time, nap time, bed time and social situations. They do almost nothing in the same manner. As such, they require different parenting techniques. Sometimes that makes it look like we’re favoring one child over the other. (That perception varies with the situation at hand.) That’s not the case, of course, but I wonder how long it will take one of them to say, “Hey! Why is he your favorite? What am I? Chopped liver?” Because I said it. My brother said it. In fact, I still swear that my younger brother was the favorite while he claims the opposite. Is this the norm in most houses? Is this even a manageable issue?

I sense some Mommy Guilt seeping into this post. I’ve been feeling it as of late, trying to find the balance between parenting techniques, discipline and allowing them to learn on their own. All of that said, I absolutely love that they are so close in age. It was what we wanted for our children, my health issues aside, as FireDad’s sister is also eight years his elder. We wanted our children to have a built in playmate. I think we just expected them to be slightly more similar. I also know that I didn’t think about things like alone time, frustrations with one another without the verbal ability to vent those frustrations and things like the fact that even if you have two (or more) of one toy, it doesn’t matter. They always want what the other one has in his hands. We didn’t think about the drawbacks, those cons of having a sibling so close in age.

We’re surviving, of course. But if someone wants to pick up a Jessie doll before Sunday or Tuesday, that might save a little bit of sanity. Just saying.