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I have been struggling with the concepts of favoring versus favorites. And I’m not talking about colors (green) or foods (sushi). I’m talking about kids. More specifically, I’m talking about my kids. Even more specifically, I’m talking about the two boys whom I am blessed to parent on a daily basis.
BigBrother is four (and a half). LittleBrother is two (and a half). As wonderful and intelligent and awesome as they both are, they are both individually maddening.
BigBrother is stubborn. He not only looks like me but has my exact personality. But younger and male. I’m stubborn. And he’s me. But with less impulse control. Last week he stomped his foot at me and yelled, “No!” It took all of my impulse control not to explode like a volcano, my ash cloud of anger spewing forth enough dark cloud of doom to ruin the rest of our day. I kept myself in check and sent him to his room for the appropriate length of a time out. I find it easy to discipline him for various reasons. His acts of defiance are bold and evident, the in your face kind of actions that you can’t ignore. He also knows when he’s done something wrong, the guilt evident on his face as soon as he stomped his foot. Lastly, he responds very well to time out though it took some time for us both to figure that process out.
LittleBrother is sly. Where BigBrother will stomp and tell you no to your face, LittleBrother will smile at you, charming your face off while attempting to stick the fork in the light socket behind his back. I find it more difficult to discipline him for various reasons. At two-and-a-half, he’s right at the cusp of fully understanding time out. He does, for the most part, and for that I am grateful. But sometimes, as BigBrother did at that age, he simply doesn’t care. More over, it’s really hard to be angry at a charmer. I know. He is his Daddy, also a charmer. Lastly, I’m not sure how to discipline a sly, charming child. I am neither sly nor charming. I can handle stubborn. What do you do with a child when you’re not 100% sure that they’re the one who did the thing in the first place?
I worry about the fact that I find it easier to discipline one over the other. Is it really and mostly based on their age difference and understanding of discipline? Or is it that I expect more of my oldest, as I complained about growing up. Or is it that I struggle in dealing with my own personality flaws over the personality flaws of someone I adore? I don’t know. I’ve been trying to keep myself in check lately, asking myself before I break up a sharing fight, if I’m being fair to the other child when I order that one be allowed to have the toy this time. Is it possible to favor an age, not the child? I find LittleBrother’s age, despite being in the infamous Terrible Twos, to be far easier than the Constantly Questioning/Demanding/Arguing Fours. Is favoring acceptable as long as it doesn’t become favoriting? Where is the line?
I don’t know the answers. I do know that I’ve been spending some time mentally examining these questions on a daily basis, keeping track of the times that I tell one child no over the other, come to the defense of one over the other or generally discipline either one or the other. More over, I have started whispering things in their ears in moments of calm, when I’m alone with one or the other or when one runs up to give me an impromptu hug while we’re all playing outside.
“You’re my favorite BigBrotherName.”
No comma. It’s true. He’s my favorite person with that name.
“You’re my favorite LittleBrotherName.”
No comma. It’s true. He’s my favorite person with that name.
It brings to mind the book You’re All My Favorites. The truth is that they are all my favorites and that Munchkin is my favorite person with the MunchkinName. I’m hoping that by examining why I’ve been more easily aggravated with one over the other (because, let’s face it, it’s not always BigBrother creating havoc as LittleBrother is two and, oh my, he can and will totally act like a two year old without warning or reason), I can become a better mother. Or, maybe not a better mother in general, but become the mother that they need me to be at any given moment.
Whatever the answers to these questions, my verbal way of dealing with the issue of favoritism has had a pay off for me. Most often, when I tell whatever child that they are my favorite name, I am overjoyed to hear this response:
“You’re my favorite Mommy.”
No comma needed. It says everything.
_
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13 Responses to “Favoring Versus Favorites”
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My name is Jenna, aka FireMom. I blog here, 
I totally get this and I see my girls. Giggles follows directions and rules (most of the time) and The Chicken….she is her father’s daughter. She slays me. She is also my last and after losing the twins I know that sometimes I baby her and let her get away with more than I let her sister get away with. I try to stop, but then it comes across as me being hard on her and she gets hurt and cries and gah!!!
Also…you are my favorite FireMom!! (no comma needed)
xo
Sounds like a good reason for us to stop at one.
.-= Burgh Baby´s last blog ..Coal Kitty =-.
I am right there with you. Amelia is 5 and is advanced for her age. Evie is 2 1/2 and is delayed. It is hard to discipline on who is at fault with them. I don’t want Amelia to be in charge of Evie because I was always in charge of my siblings. But I want her to watch out for her. See it makes no more sense even writing it.
My mom used to say you are my favorite oldest to me. I didn’t know she was saying the same thing to my siblings and their birth order. We called her out on it when we were older
.-= Mandi Bone´s last blog ..A happy post =-.
I hear ya. My twins are only 8 months and already I worry about favoring one over the other at any given time. Every night when they wake up to nurse, I have to alternate who gets picked up first. Of course, the other one goes into hysterics when not picked (I never did figure out how to nurse two at once). Even at this age, they recognize that Mommy has chosen the other baby and they are NOT happy about it.
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Organic T-shirt Giveaway =-.
Glad to have just the 1 who is my favorite. My sister & I are 18months apart & I know our mom didn’t struggle with the idea of favoritism. She frequently told us she loves us equally but since we were different people she disciplined us differently and sometimes loved us differently. (sounds horrible doesn’t it?).
Basically, since we responded differently to different forms of punishment & even affection, she tailored our discipline accordingly. And her shows of affection were different in a way. My sister responded to hugs & kisses while I was fine with just words and time together. Kinda hard to explain. Regardless, being siblings we still felt Mom played favorites & I’m sure there were times she did but most of the time she really was fair.
I think this is something all parents struggle with at times. You are still a fabulous Mom!
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Bragging on my Kiddo a little bit =-.
Twitter: katie_in_ma
says:
THANK YOU for posting this. I struggle with this all the time – even though my girls are 6 and 4, I don’t think it’s any easier at these ages (for me). Gracie sounds just like BB – when she does wrong, she knows it. She might not like it – and whoo boy will she share her every emotion with me – but she is easier to discipline. Bee, my 4-year-old, just simply doesn’t care. She’s stubborn, but without her sister’s drama. Time out? Sure, okay, she doesn’t care. I can’t tell you how many toys I’ve thrown away because she refuses to clean up and I have to follow through on the ultimatum. And sometimes that means I parent differently. I think the most we can hope for is that we do that in a way that favors both children instead of short-changing either.
.-= Katie in MA´s last blog ..I can’t lift my arm above my head. =-.
So well said, and once again, I feel like our lives are mirrored.
.-= Ivory´s last blog ..DITL 4/27/10 =-.
I try to bow out of the sharing enforcement in favor of—if you can’t get along, play separately. I got my 4yo to cop to a lie about who colored on my wall w/ crayon by telling her I simply needed to know who to have help me clean it up. “Oh, that would be me!” Four is taxing here too. Have you read Raising Cain? My oldest is my mini-me so I also know that dynamic.
Oh, the truths you write about! It’s all so true! I fluctuate between favoring one of my boys. I tend to prefer one person’s actions over the other, but which one changes each day! Each hour or minute, at times! No matter what, we love our boys, we just may not love what they’re doing or how they’re acting.
And I love telling them that they’re my favorite (fill in their name). My youngest also likes to tell me I’m his favorite mommy. Gets me every time!
My younger daughter is winning right now. My 5yo is so compliant (usually); I don’t mean to make her sound like a rug to walk on, but she listens to me (most of the time). My 3yo is another story, and right now I do not have the strength (literally) to fight with her. If she won’t listen to me, I cannot put her in time out unless she chooses to take herself there — and she does not. The only power I wield is that of taking things away: no TV, no lullaby, no favorite toy. She knows I will follow through. So I guess that’s good.
We use that line, too: “You’re my favorite NAME.” And they are. My husband trips up occasionally, because he’ll say things to one of the girls like, “You are the most beautiful girl…” and then he has to backtrack and say, “You’re the most beautiful 5-year-old, or 3yo, or NAME.” The girls are on him like aural hawks!
Oh, and thanks for the link.
Can’t wait to get the books!
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..To My Mom, On Mom’s Day =-.
I don’t have any advice for you considering I am only a mother of one on the favortism aspect.(hoping for more, but we’ll see what happens) However as Elizabeth stated about tayloring to their needs (as in disciple and love) just as each of us has our own “love language” that we respond to so do children. Gary Chapman has a book called The Five Love Languages of Children. That may be of some help to you to guide you in this issue. Also keep them covered in prayers. We are going to mess up but God doesn’t so ask for his guidance and help in this! I hope this helps and encourages you! God Bless!
I have it easy, I’ve always said, “You’re my favorite boy/girl”
This came in handy, actually, the other day when we had two other little girls over, and Zinnia felt a little like her territory was threatened. I told her she was my favorite girl, and she seemed to feel a lot better.
Our kids are about the same age! The different personalities does make it hard sometimes. But each stage will come with different ups and downs. I also am lucky that I have one boy and one girl so I can favorite them by gender
.-= Kristie´s last blog ..Last Minute Mother’s Day Gifts =-.