advice » Stop, Drop and Blog

(Maybe) Raising Firefighters

Jun 292009

On Friday I answered the question as to whether or not you should marry a firefighter. In that list of pros and cons, I pointed out that you should never tell your children that they can’t be firefighters. First and foremost, telling children (still small or fully grown) that they can’t do something with their lives rarely ends in a positive fashion. Tell them not to do something? They’ll do it faster and with more fury. Furthermore, we should be telling our children that they can be anything that they want to be. You know, like that span of two years when my brother wanted to be a fire truck. Not a firefighter, mind you. But the truck. Oh, I love that story.

Secondly, and maybe more importantly, to tell your children that they can’t be a firefighter is insulting to your spouse. If it’s good enough for your partner in life, why shouldn’t it be good enough for your children? Don’t feed me the line for bull-hockey that you “want more for your children.” Kids pick up on that much more quickly than adults will give them credit. To say that they can’t be a firefighter is to say that you don’t value what their other parent does for a living. It is insulting, degrading and all around a bad idea for your relationship both with your children and your spouse.

But that doesn’t mean that raising little firefighters is easy.

I’ve gotten used to dealing with the anxiety that accompanies the knowledge that my husband is running into burning buildings. Yes, it sets me on edge at times. Yes, there are moments when I am overwhelmed with the schedule or the worry or the fact that he’s been called out, once again, when I needed him by my side. Sometimes I have nightmares. But, for the most part, I accept the place that the fire life has in our day-to-day being. In fact, most of the time, I take pride in being part of such a unique family, the family of firefighters. I can find the good in being married to a firefighter.

But do I want this for my boys?

Loving the Fire Truck I see the passion in their eyes when they climb into the trucks when we visit FireDad at the department on his shift days. I hear the joy in their voice when they hear a siren from just about anywhere, pausing to say, “Mommy, a fire truck. A fire truck!” I listen as they play with their many toy fire trucks that we have in house, some of which were FireDad’s back in the day, and smile as they act out what they imagine to be heroic fire fighting situations. I have, of course, warned BigBrother that exclaiming, “FIRE! FIRE!” while playing in his downstairs playroom is enough to make my heart stop and that we really shouldn’t exclaim “FIRE! FIRE!” unless there is a FIRE! FIRE! And still, watching him don his little firefighter uniform, throw on his air pack and put out imaginary fires with his hose, I can’t help but feel that same sense of pride that I feel when I see their father drive a fire truck.

To answer the question, however, yes, the thought of them joining the fire life scares me.

I know it’s a possibility, of course. Fire life, like other forms of business, especially those that are some form of service, seems to run through the blood. FireDad’s own father was a volunteer firefighter, just like his father before him. It’s what was done, it’s what they do. It’s what they live for, what they strive for, what makes them happy, complete. I see that same passion in my boys’ eyes, hear it in their voices. I know that one or both (or neither) may someday say, with more than just a three year old’s zeal, “Mom, I’m going to be a firefighter.” I know that, even though I find it scary, I will hug them and offer my support.

I don’t want my baby boys to run into burning buildings. I don’t want them to put themselves in danger. I don’t want to worry when I hear a siren and I don’t know their location. But, to be honest, I also don’t want them to get skinned knees or break their arms or fall down or give each other noogies. I want to place them in bubbles of protection, never let them out of my sight and pick who they will marry. But life doesn’t work that way. They are going to live their lives, form their own likes and dislikes, choose their careers, change their minds about those careers, break hearts, get broken hearts, punch each other and marry someone whom I probably don’t yet know. I can’t dictate their lives. To do so would be unfair and would likely put me on the outside of their lives instead of on the inside, enjoying the ride with them both.

Would I rather they be at safe desk jobs? If that’s what they love, sure! (Perhaps I have a writer among one or both of them?) Even then, no job is guaranteed safe, you know. People go crazy and shoot up offices. Driving to an interview, they could be in an accident. Or, perhaps, knowing BigBrother’s hands-on, in-your-face personality, perhaps he would perish from boredem if forced to sit behind a desk for eight to ten hours per day, five to six days per week. I won’t know. They won’t know until they get there.

In the end, I’ll be honest: it does scare me. But so does the thought of them doing something that they don’t love simply to make me happy. I want them both to live full, happy lives, to do something that they love as passionately as I love doing what I’m doing right now. I want them to know, all the while, that they have our support while they’re working toward it, while they’re doing it. I want them to be as proud of themselves as I am of them both, now and always.

Should You Marry a Firefighter?

fire life 6 Responses »

Jun 252009

Fire Cake (Not Ours) Someone found our blog by Googling, “Should I marry a firefighter?” It’s an interesting question, really.

When FireDad and I said our vows, we had already been through the long and involved process of testing and interviewing to be hired by the fire department. We were actually enduring the middle of a hiring freeze as I walked down the aisle toward him on that cold, December day. Prior to all of this, during our dating days (and, really, prior to me), he was a volunteer firefighter (and paid the bills as a Paramedic). I had an inkling of what fire life would be like but… I also had no clue. He was hired by the fire department shortly after our wedding. And during our honeymooning year, I got the baptismal by fire, literally, into the depths of fire life.

And so, I have some advice, of course, having lived this life for five years now.

Don’t marry a firefighter if you are relying on their presence or the stability of their schedule. The pager will go off on Christmas Eve as you are trying to build a bike together. There will be a fully involved structure fire on the morning of your big interview, leaving you scrambling to find child care. They will work on your birthday, their birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and every other holiday imaginable. Not all in the same year (though that list in the previous sentence is true for us this year, sigh) but eventually, all of them. More in some years than in others. On days you have plans to work on the house or get things done, they will be needed at the fire house. On a day that you planned on doing nothing more than relaxing, the sound of fire sirens leaving the station will bring a halt to your attempt at relaxation, nerves on edge. And, more than once, they will be summoned to a fire from the heat of passion in your own bedroom. Trust me, it happens.

Do marry a firefighter if you want someone who is reliable. Does that contradict what I just said? No. Their nature is one of loyalty and, as such, reliability. If they say they’re going to do something, it will get done. Sometimes that means after the fire but it always means that it will get done. They usually tend to understand that you are also at the mercy of the fire house even though you are not a firefighter. As such, they genuinely tend to keep promises. Not all of them. There are bad apples just like in every other profession. But, for the most part, they’re good, loyal people.

Don’t marry a firefighter if you don’t want other people to think that your spouse is “hot.” Firefighters, male or female, are ogled. They are winked at, looked at, smiled at and flirted with everywhere from the bank to the elementary school. It happens. It’s that love of heroism and bravery and uniforms and strength and everything all rolled into one. And fire trucks! Everyone loves a fire truck as it goes speeding by.

Do marry a firefighter if you love the way fire smells mixed in with your significant others’ natural smell. It can be intoxicating.

Don’t marry a firefighter if you think it’s all about heroism and bravery. Sometimes it’s about washing garage floors and checking trucks. Sometimes it’s about arguments at their Union meetings, which you can’t always know the intricate details about but still need to offer support. Sometimes it’s about petty grumpiness within the fire house. Sometimes it’s about raising money for a new truck. Sometimes it’s about them taking a night out, despite having been gone the 24 hours before, with their fellow firefighters to cool down, chill out.

Don’t marry a firefighter if you think it will be an easy life, a decision you will never question. To be honest, all people married to others with any number of jobs have moments of, “You care more about your job than you care about me!” You may want to yell, “Family should come first!” To be fair, when they’re rushing out the door leaving you to wash all the dishes from the Christmas dinner you just hosted, they are caring about family first. It’s someone else’s family at the moment but, yes, a family. Learning that sometimes you just have to suck it up at times is a long process. Sometimes it’s a lonely one.

Don’t marry a firefighter if you can’t sleep alone without them there. Do marry a firefighter if you’d like to hog the bed to yourself every third night. (Note: if they take one day off, that means that you will have to sleep together for five days in a row. Can you handle it without sending them to the couch?)

Don’t marry a firefighter if you would never “allow” your children to be firefighters. First of all, the idea that you can shape what grown adult children do or do not do is simply funny. Secondly, it runs through the veins. (I’ll be talking about this soon.) They’re going to see Mommy or Daddy on a fire truck and they’re going to want to do it. Maybe it will be a short-lived childhood obsession. Maybe they will join the fire service. However, telling them that it isn’t a job they are “allowed” to do not only is silly but ends up putting down your spouse.

Do marry a firefighter if you want your children to have a built in hero. Yes, I know, it’s not all about heroism and bravery but, to a child, it really, really is. To boot, pun intended, your spouse can be an example of how staying clean, being responsible and working hard can benefit your child when they’re a grumpy teen wanting to follow the crowd.

If it seems that there are more “don’ts” here than “do’s” the reason is simple and is the below point:

Don’t marry a firefighter for any other reason than wanting to spend the rest of your life with that person. The rest of the stuff will fall together if you truly possess that love and commitment that comes with any marriage. There will be times when you will argue (like in any marriage). Sometimes you will argue about the job in question. Fire families, like other families, make sacrifices when it comes to schedules and last minute changes. But it’s a good family to be a part of in the end.

And so, would I suggest that the reader who found our blog marry that firefighter? Well, I just asked FireDad if he thought our reader should marry a firefighter. He said, “Well, probably not.” That’s just him being humble. Or stubborn. Or silly. Or anything else that he is. But, then again, I’m sure he’d have a few things to say about being married to a writer. (Maybe I should have him write that someday.)

2007, Pregnant with LB

In the end, I love being married to a firefighter. Our life is stable and crazy all at once. My children obviously love visiting the fire department. And, yes, women make eyes at him but, in the end, he comes home to me at night. I love his honesty, his loyalty, his sense of humor, his devotion to what he loves and his bravery. We argue at times, like any other couple but I can’t imagine being married to anyone else.

And that’s how you know if you should marry a firefighter or not.

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[Cake photo credit. No, it wasn't ours. But that sure is us in the other picture.]