I keep getting comments, e-mails, Facebook mail and instant messages all asking the same thing: “How’s it going?” The questions all lead back to the same topic. What they’re all asking is, “How are you enjoying/enduring/liking/hating/feeling-about working outside the home again?”
They’re right in asking because I haven’t mentioned it since I got the job. The truth is that I’m not going to pull a Dooce. I’m never going to discuss the ins and outs of working at the office, people in the office or anything of that nature. Even if I hated my job (which I don’t), I would say, publicly, that it is great! And I’m loving it! And it couldn’t be better! Right?
What I do want to discuss is the transition my family has made over the past two months with my return to working outside the home. Now, to be fair, I’m still working from home full time with my freelancing gigs. In fact, over the past few months, I’ve well surpassed full time and am working some crazy hectic hours. And, you know, writing a book on top of it all because I don’t have enough to do. My outside the home job has me working around 14 hours per week, give or take. Not a lot of hours, true, but I didn’t take this job to make the big bucks. I took it because it because the opportunity that I had been hoping for presented itself and my husband and I agreed that I’d be a fool to pass it up.
Plus, I like it. And that’s always good.
BigBrother hasn’t really said much about the transition. He does tell people that I work at the newspaper now, whereas he used to say I just worked at home. Which is true but he really has no idea what I do on the computer. When I tell him that I write, he says, “But where’s your pencil?” Touche, dude. Touche. The funny thing is that the offices at the newspaper look directly into BigBrother’s preschool. If he wasn’t so busy socializing learning, he could wave at me on days that I stop in after I drop him off.
LittleBrother, on the other hand, was a bit more confused about the whole mommy going to work thing. To him, my work involves a desk downstairs or the couch. On evenings that took me out of the house, he would ask where I was going and why and fifteen other questions that are far too advanced for a two year old to be asking. To be fair, he was doubly traumatized because FireDad went to the Fire Academy for two weeks. For awhile after that, he thought that when either of us left the house that we would be gone for weeks at a time. Even now when he asks if daddy is at work, he clarifies and says, “Not at fire academy, right?” Poor little man. He’s been giving me a lot of, “Mommy stay with me today/tonight, yes,” at bedtime or even in the morning. It’s almost heartbreaking.
Almost.
Because you have to realize that the kids are spending time away from me with their very beloved daddy. Or, on occasion, Nana or YiaYia (grandmothers). I really don’t have much guilt in leaving my children with these people. In fact, I have fallen more in love with our firefighter family because of the schedule that my husband keeps (24 hours on, 48 hours off). He’s here when I can’t be. Perfection. Nothing really has changed from their routine. Especially as I do the majority of my work after they’re in bed, well, they’re not really experiencing any change.
Have I missed the bedtimes that I’ve had to skip out on to shoot a basketball game? Kind of. I miss the snuggling part but not the wrangling part. Have I felt a bit guilty walking away when I’ve been asked to stay? Most definitely. Do I really feel that is okay? Yes. LittleBrother has had me, by his side, for two straight years. Until this past week, he wouldn’t let us leave him in the childcare at the YMCA so I could get a little workout in. Today? He stayed. Without crying. At all. Progress has been made. Is it because I’m working outside the home? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he was just finally ready. Or maybe it’s a few things snowballing into one thing. I don’t know.
I can tell you one thing: I’m happy.
I’m busy. Very busy. Kind of mostly exhausted most days. But, oh, I’m happy. I’m enjoying myself. Thoroughly. I’m not quite great at what I’m doing yet. The learning is what makes it fun though. I’m learning things about photography. I’m learning things about time management. I’m learning to let go of certain things. I’m learning about myself and things I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I’m learning how to function again at the demands of others. I’m just learning. I feel constantly challenged, constantly pushed and, really, that’s when I do my best work. Minus the laundry. But I’ll get there. I think.
And so, to answer the question of, “How’s it going?”
I’m doing just fine. In fact, we’re all doing just fine. Thanks for asking. And I mean that: thank you.