Every fire spouse has complained of the fire schedule. We all know that it works really well most of the time, but there are moments of extreme failure here and there when it comes to last minute calls, working on holidays and the general woe of 24 hours of alone. Plans get cancelled. We deal with things on our own. And sometimes we get grumpy, but life goes on.
This is not one of those times.
This time? It’s my fault and my choice of career(s).
I’m in Las Vegas for CES 2011 (more on that on my landing page). And yesterday? FireDad had a big test at the fire department. For those in the fire life, you know what that means. For those who aren’t, in order to gain a promotion in the fire service, you have to take a test (and pass it, obviously). It involves lots of studying and hard work and memorization and math (!) and general will power to make it through.
And yesterday? I wasn’t there for my husband.
I thought of him. I called him. I sent up a prayer right at the time he was sitting down to take the test. But, man, I didn’t expect the — not quite guilt but something heavy — to weigh so heavily on me. I’ve had to miss stuff for the kids here and there due to work, but never something that was Big and Important for my partner in life.
And while I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing — living in possibility — I can’t help but feel that I let him down somehow. It’s hard to explain. It’s not as if I could have taken the test for him, or held his hand while he took said test, or stood outside with pom-poms. Or done anything more than give him a kiss before he left and one when he returned. But I know how hard he’s worked for this, just as I’m sure he knows how hard I’ve worked for this.
I also hope he knows that I am proud of him — no matter what — and that he is always my hero, even when I’m far, far away. I’ll smother him with kisses when I get home. Promise.
