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I have been struggling with the concepts of favoring versus favorites. And I’m not talking about colors (green) or foods (sushi). I’m talking about kids. More specifically, I’m talking about my kids. Even more specifically, I’m talking about the two boys whom I am blessed to parent on a daily basis.
BigBrother is four (and a half). LittleBrother is two (and a half). As wonderful and intelligent and awesome as they both are, they are both individually maddening.
BigBrother is stubborn. He not only looks like me but has my exact personality. But younger and male. I’m stubborn. And he’s me. But with less impulse control. Last week he stomped his foot at me and yelled, “No!” It took all of my impulse control not to explode like a volcano, my ash cloud of anger spewing forth enough dark cloud of doom to ruin the rest of our day. I kept myself in check and sent him to his room for the appropriate length of a time out. I find it easy to discipline him for various reasons. His acts of defiance are bold and evident, the in your face kind of actions that you can’t ignore. He also knows when he’s done something wrong, the guilt evident on his face as soon as he stomped his foot. Lastly, he responds very well to time out though it took some time for us both to figure that process out.
LittleBrother is sly. Where BigBrother will stomp and tell you no to your face, LittleBrother will smile at you, charming your face off while attempting to stick the fork in the light socket behind his back. I find it more difficult to discipline him for various reasons. At two-and-a-half, he’s right at the cusp of fully understanding time out. He does, for the most part, and for that I am grateful. But sometimes, as BigBrother did at that age, he simply doesn’t care. More over, it’s really hard to be angry at a charmer. I know. He is his Daddy, also a charmer. Lastly, I’m not sure how to discipline a sly, charming child. I am neither sly nor charming. I can handle stubborn. What do you do with a child when you’re not 100% sure that they’re the one who did the thing in the first place?
I worry about the fact that I find it easier to discipline one over the other. Is it really and mostly based on their age difference and understanding of discipline? Or is it that I expect more of my oldest, as I complained about growing up. Or is it that I struggle in dealing with my own personality flaws over the personality flaws of someone I adore? I don’t know. I’ve been trying to keep myself in check lately, asking myself before I break up a sharing fight, if I’m being fair to the other child when I order that one be allowed to have the toy this time. Is it possible to favor an age, not the child? I find LittleBrother’s age, despite being in the infamous Terrible Twos, to be far easier than the Constantly Questioning/Demanding/Arguing Fours. Is favoring acceptable as long as it doesn’t become favoriting? Where is the line?
I don’t know the answers. I do know that I’ve been spending some time mentally examining these questions on a daily basis, keeping track of the times that I tell one child no over the other, come to the defense of one over the other or generally discipline either one or the other. More over, I have started whispering things in their ears in moments of calm, when I’m alone with one or the other or when one runs up to give me an impromptu hug while we’re all playing outside.
“You’re my favorite BigBrotherName.”
No comma. It’s true. He’s my favorite person with that name.
“You’re my favorite LittleBrotherName.”
No comma. It’s true. He’s my favorite person with that name.
It brings to mind the book You’re All My Favorites. The truth is that they are all my favorites and that Munchkin is my favorite person with the MunchkinName. I’m hoping that by examining why I’ve been more easily aggravated with one over the other (because, let’s face it, it’s not always BigBrother creating havoc as LittleBrother is two and, oh my, he can and will totally act like a two year old without warning or reason), I can become a better mother. Or, maybe not a better mother in general, but become the mother that they need me to be at any given moment.
Whatever the answers to these questions, my verbal way of dealing with the issue of favoritism has had a pay off for me. Most often, when I tell whatever child that they are my favorite name, I am overjoyed to hear this response:
“You’re my favorite Mommy.”
No comma needed. It says everything.
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BigBrother did. He and LittleBrother fought over it one afternoon after I tossed it aside. Literally. I think they got more out of it than I ever will.
And the book delivered. Offering me simple techniques for both myself and my child was exactly what I needed. As you may have guessed as BigBrother is two years old, he’s big on the tantrums right now. The section on helping kids lessen tantrums was absolutely flipping fabulous. Some tips?
My name is Jenna, aka FireMom. I blog here, 
