And I’m miserable.

Don’t get me wrong. Swagapalooza was amazing. And not even just the swag (though I have some great reviews for you). I met some great people (bloggers, reporters and PR reps alike). And I had an amazing cupcake. I didn’t indulge in the open bar because I don’t drink much. But the cupcake, oh, the cupcake. And, of course, the visit I am having with Munchkin’s family is amazing. (More on Chronicles later today.) I always love spending time with them and, yes, I’m taking pictures.

But, oh, I miss my boys.

I don’t spend much time away from them, away from home. I do things for and by myself (show choir, Bible study) but I’m just not gone for long periods of time. This is made evident by the following discussion with BigBrother on the phone today:

BigBrother: Are you at coffee? (I go for coffee once a week with friends.)
Me: No.
BigBrother: Where you are?
Me: I’m visiting Munchkin and JD.
BigBrother: Oh… *pause* I miss you.

The pause in his voice kind of broke my heart. The fact that he thought that I was only right down the street was kind of sad as well. Of course, these realizations have also made me feel grateful. The fact that I get to have so much time with my children makes me a very, very lucky mother. (And hopefully my children very, very lucky children.) While I have earned and deserved and am enjoying this time away, I miss them. That’s allowed, right?

I’m hoping that this lovely, whirlwind weekend will give me a slight reprieve. I’m hoping that I’ll be a well-relaxed Mommy when I return. Mostly I’m hoping to make it home before they’re asleep so I can have tons and tons of hugs. I miss the hugs. Maybe not the meltdowns and the smart mouths. But the hugs, oh the hugs. And nose kisses. And… and… and.

Missing My Boys is a post from Stop, Drop and Blog. Want more of Stop, Drop and Blog? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, contact me or hit me up via twitter.

I got to spend the day with these two guys.

(Who have grown considerably since last year. See?)

To boot, my husband got me a beautiful card, signed by both boys as well. D and the Munchkin called to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. And BigBrother gave me the following gift, made at preschool.

And, on Saturday evening, after I cut up LittleBrother’s food at supper, he said the following, combining two separate thoughts for the first time.

“Tank oo, Mummy!”

No, thank you, Bubba.

I know that I am so very blessed. I have three living, breathing children who were all able to show me love in their own ways. I have a husband who values what I do for this family. I have a Mom who told me a few weeks ago that she thinks I’m an amazing mom. I have a mother-in-law who came over today to let me take a nap. And so, today, despite underlying issues, I am thankful for the highs and lows. They have made me who I am today.

They have made me the Mother that I am today.

The Mother I am Today is a post from Stop, Drop and Blog. Want more of Stop, Drop and Blog? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, contact me or hit me up via twitter.

But there are things I’m proud of in my mothering experience. Surely I can come up with three.

1. I love all of my children equally. Once upon an archived webpage, I had a dramatic e-run-in with another birth mother who said that we, as birth parents, shouldn’t love our relinquished children as much as our parented children. This made my eyes pop out of my head. Without calling her stupid, I told her that her argument didn’t hold much water, at least or especially with me. She was arguing the point from the vantage point of a birth mother who is not actively parenting another child. As one who was at the time and continues to do so, now with more kids under my roof, I can tell you that I do not hold one child over another, no matter where they live, eat or create havoc. And yes, I do take pride in this fact. I love that Munchkin so very much. I am super proud of all of her accomplishments. I would lay down my life to protect her. And I will never be fully able to explain how vast my love is for her. And the same goes for the boys. I marvel at their daily accomplishments and boast about their milestones. I’d throw myself in harm’s way simply to protect them from danger. And I don’t think they’ll understand how much I truly love them. Perhaps I’m unique in this fact but I really don’t think so… but I’m still proud of that unconditional and equal love.

2. I don’t hate being a work-slash-stay at home mom and I don’t feel guilty about leaving the “workforce.” When I was pregnant with BigBrother, I went on and on about how I was going to remain a working mother. I looked down my nose at mothers who chose to stay home. I thought that they lacked ambition and that they were setting a poor example for their children. (Wait! Stop throwing tomatoes! I get my come uppance in a second! Keep reading!) Then BigBrother was born and my world was turned upside down. I went back to work and hated every moment of it. Okay, not every moment. I loved the thrill of the live newscast. And that one time that I wore BigBrother in a front carrier while switching a live newscast? Yes, that was a good moment. (See photo.) But the other moments sucked. When he neared eight months old and was crawling, babbling and hitting a million milestones per day, I ate crow, turned in my two weeks notice and came on home with my tail between my legs. And oh, being home, whether I’m just mothering for an entire day or throwing in one of my many freelancing jobs into the mix, is a million times harder than I ever thought it would be. So, while I’m not so proud of the judgment that I previously tossed at mothers who stay home, I am proud of the fact that I am thriving in my role as a stay-slash-work at home mom and enjoying almost every minute of it. (Really? Did I mention that BigBrother peed on my lap last week? Not my favorite moment.)

3. I am not too scared OR too proud to try new things. I am constantly learning about this parenting thing. I am the first to admit that I am mostly flying by the seat of my pants. But I am proud of the fact that I don’t really ever let “good enough” become my motto. Right now, for example, I’m reading books on positive discipline so that I might be a better guide for my (strong-willed) two year old and, eventually, his little brother. And if those things don’t work for LittleBrother like they are with BigBrother, well, I’ll read some more books. The biggest examples of this, of course, are in the few changes we made on initial things done with BigBrother to how we did the variations of those things with LittleBrother. For those who don’t know, BigBrother was not breastfed. (No throwing stones. There were reasons and they were worked out in therapy. Thank you.) LittleBrother will hit the six month milestone of exclusive breastfeeding on the 24th of this month! Furthermore, BigBrother wasn’t cloth diapered until night-time at around 18 months of age. I thought it would be too much work. Pfft. I got schooled on that one, didn’t I? And as such, LittleBrother started out in cloth from the get-go. I learn from everything I do as a parent, whether it’s something I perceive as a mistake, something that I could simply have done better or something I did pretty darn awesome that I’d like to repeat in the future. Even better, I constantly learn from my Mom-friends. I am (usually?) not offended when someone offers up advice. I ask a lot of questions (really, I do). And I constantly push myself to be the best mom I can be… which involves going back to the drawing board at times and starting over. And that’s okay.

I’m proud of a lot more. Really. I am. I’m not bragging. But darn it, I’m a great Mom in so many different ways. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I have bad days. (Weeks. Months?) But my children are all thriving in age appropriate ways. And I love watching them all experience new things in their lives.

And, there you have it. What are YOU proud of?

Three Things I’m Proud of Regarding My Mothering is a post from Stop, Drop and Blog. Want more of Stop, Drop and Blog? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, contact me or hit me up via twitter.

But BigBrother put it best. He said, and I quote, “Happy ‘Nother’s Day.” Yes, it was just another day. One that makes me smile. I did have a photo shoot with the boys. This sums up BigBrother’s attitude by the end of it. Which makes me smile even more. I love these two. (Of note: We chose this location so Munchkin’s photo on the table next to us could be included.) (Also? Spot the Redbook!)

If you’re wondering what my loving Husband and awesome boys got me for Mother’s Day, well, it’s the necklace I’ve been longing for since before BigBrother was even conceived. It’s the Lenox Mother’s Little Gems Pendant. I couldn’t get it until we completed our family as you can’t add more gems later. And, in case you didn’t know, no, we’re not having any more children. (Maybe more on that someday. Not today.) And so, I was finally able to ask for it for Mother’s Day. My Husband is Awesome, of course, and got it for me. He, of course, added all of my living children and so it features my birthstone on top (April) and one December (Munchkin) and two November (Big and Little Brothers). They are the contemporary birthstones, not traditional, so it may look confusing at first. But I think it looks lovely.

Isn’t it lovely? Yes. Yes it is. I am SO blessed to three amazing children. I have spent the entire day, despite some emotional issues, thanking God for the blessings in my life. No, things aren’t perfect. Did I mention that this past Friday BigBrother peed on my leg? But I’m learning, albeit rather slowly, that no family is perfect.

But sometimes, in those still small moments when I’m rocking LittleBrother to sleep or when BigBrother tells me to have a “Happy ‘Nother Day” or when the Munchkin calls to tell me that she loves me, well, it feels pretty darn close to perfect.

Happy Mother’s Day. Or, if you’d rather, “Happy ‘Nother Day.”

Happy ‘Nother Day is a post from Stop, Drop and Blog. Want more of Stop, Drop and Blog? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, contact me or hit me up via twitter.

Motherhood is such an emotionally charged subject for me. As my foray into motherhood was interrupted by the relinquishment of my firstborn, I am prone to feeling overly guilty any time I need a moment to myself in the craziness of parenting two awesome boys. I often push myself harder and harder, way past my personal breaking point(s), because I feel that I should never take a moment I have with any of my children for granted. I am aware, on some level, that this is not the healthiest way to approach motherhood, that I should cut myself some slack and allow room for error. But it is a cycle I cannot seem to break.

Every time I raise my voice at my two year old for, you know, throwing toys or poking his younger brother in the forehead, I know that my neighbors will hear and that they will call Child Protective Services and that when they arrive they will automatically know that I am a birth mother, for it is a Scarlet Letter I wear upon my forehead, and they will take my children from me. No. Seriously. I live with this fear on a daily basis. And no, I don’t do anything to endanger my children to make that a legitimate possibility. In fact, possibly due to the relinquishment of my daughter, I am more prone to be that over-protective Helicopter Mom you see at the playground that follows her child from toy to toy, repeating over and over, “Be careful! Go slow!” I know that my fear is not based in logic, it is based in fear. But no one ever said that parenting was full of logic.

The reality of my motherhood is that I spend far too much time being afraid. What if BigBrother is walking down the steps on his own, as he needs to learn to do that, and he trips and falls and I can’t catch him? And at the hospital they think that I pushed him? And they take him away? Or what if LittleBrother rolls over onto his tummy while sleeping and suffocates and they think that I did it? Or what if this? And what if that? I play the what-if game every single day of my life. It is not a fun way to live.

And yes, I do work on these thing with my (awesome) therapist. There are days when I wake up and tell myself, “You will get through this day and you will be okay just like every other mother on the planet. There is no need to worry.” And then? I worry. My anxiety kicks in and the panic rides in on its Big Black Horse of Doom and I just try to make it through the day without hiding under the covers and pretending we’re building a “fort.”

The good thing in all of this is that I am not alone. Other first mothers have spoken up about their similar fears as they parent their children. They have survived and, in that, I know that there is hope for me. I know, on that core level, that I am an amazing parent. I know that my children are thriving under my care. I know that they love me with all of their beings just as I love them with every inch of my soul. I know that I am providing them with a safe, happy environment despite my fears. And I do, honestly, feel the success in that. Sometimes I even pat myself on the back and buy myself something nice. But it is a constant battle brought about by self-doubt and fear.

So, no. The truth is that my version of motherhood isn’t a bucket of rainbows. It’s hard at times. But all it takes is a big, snotty kiss from BigBrother, a smile from LittleBrother… or a phone call from the Munchkin… and, if only for a moment, those fears melt away and my world is at peace. Rainbows even pop out for a second or two, giving me reason to continue on this journey of motherhood.

–

This post was conceived out of a happy little Blog Blast about motherhood and the Discovery Health show Deliver Me over at the Parent Bloggers Network. I didn’t mean to get all heavy on you guys! But I’d be doing a disservice to myself and others if I didn’t actually share my truths. That’s the point of the blast, is it not? And? PS? This is the most “real” and “deep” I’ve delved on this blog since we moved domains. I’m tempted to close comments but, instead, pardon me while I go play “fort” with BigBrother.

Constantly Doubting Myself: The Truth in My Motherhood is a post from Stop, Drop and Blog. Want more of Stop, Drop and Blog? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, contact me or hit me up via twitter.