Subscribe to Our Feed!I am a reader. I learn best by reading. And re-reading. People have made fun of me for reading books on topics regarding certain aspects of parenting, arguing that a child’s speech will develop without my help or understanding of the process. And, really, I’m sure it will. But I like to know how a child’s speech develops. Or how to help them with potty training. Or, you know, how to appropriately discipline a headstrong two year old heckbent on driving me insane. Okay, maybe the latter isn’t true. Maybe he’s just as frustrated as I am with all of this… and by this, I’m referring to the Screamy Mommy Days. It’s okay. Even some great Moms I know say they happen, too. You don’t have Screamy Mommy Days? Please hit the back button now.
I knew things were going downhill a few months ago. I was sleep deprived and dealing with postpartum depression while trying to learn how to nurse a distractable baby and potty train a distractable two year old… all at the same time. Things weren’t going well. Heck. Things weren’t going. At all. My default voice level was high. I was grumpy. Overwhelmed. And BigBrother was as well. I purchased two books. And ignored them for awhile. Things finally came to a head and I sat down, first, with ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel.
And it started out well. It really, really did. I was excited. I liked how each chapter ended with reflection questions so I could appropriately gauge where I was in my progress. I was dog-earing pages left and right. I was sharing quotes. I wanted to be ScreamFree! Who doesn’t? Screaming is no fun and, in reality, it only begets more screaming. (Of note: it’s not just about screaming. It’s about ANY sort of reactionary parenting whether that is yelling, hitting, ignoring, shutting down or what have you.)
But then the book started to annoy the heck out of me. And I wanted to scream at the book. Or toss it out the window. Or react in some negative way, which is exactly what the books says you should never, ever, ever, ever do. React, that is. It repeated this over and over. And that’s fine. I get that we should all be in control of ourselves and to do so we need to pay attention to ourselves above and beyond what we do for and with our children. I even agree. But the way this book is worded? Wasn’t beneficial to me. Why?
If you have any anxiety problems above and beyond what you’re serving for dinner or what to wear to church on Sunday, this might not be the book for you. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and am currently dealing with postpartum depression. If you have any anxiety disorders… or even think that you have a problem handling anxiety… do not pick up this book. It will only make you feel worse.
The author speaks about anxiety as though it is something to be easily handled and dealt with; just stop, breathe and wish your anxiety away. Hi, Author Man. If getting rid of my anxiety was that easy, well, I probably wouldn’t have a diagnosis of GAD and PPD, now would I? No amount of breathing is going to magically erase my anxiety. And all this book did was make me feel worse about the fact that I can’t always control my anxiety. I do have great coping mechanisms learned through therapy. I can handle it in slow, methodical ways. But “in the moment,” it is harder for me to stop and breathe than the average mom. I am aware of that, of course, and do try to get a hold of my anxiety. But this book was not written for moms facing similar challenges. Maybe it will help “ordinary” parents. But I’m “extra”ordinary and as such found almost no use for this book.
BigBrother did. He and LittleBrother fought over it one afternoon after I tossed it aside. Literally. I think they got more out of it than I ever will.
So, I then picked up my copy of The No-Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantley with some trepidation. Yep. That’s right. The previous book RAISED my anxiety; it did nothing to lower my anxiety and make me feel like I am a capable parent. I went into this book skeptical and wary, figuring I’d never find a way to adequately discipline my child(ren).
Gosh, I love Elizabeth Pantley.
This book did not make me feel like a failure from the very beginning. Instead of forcing me to live up to a standard that no one will ever achieve (never, ever, ever screaming or reacting), Pantley calls the “ScreamFree” version of parenting a blatant myth.
Even the most peaceful, easygoing parent loses patience and yells from time to time — we are all human. No matter how much we love our children, they will try our patience, they will make mistakes and they will bring us to anger.
She goes on to say that as a parent educator and mother of four she has been to known to, you guessed it, yell. And let me tell you, just hearing that someone whose advice I have read and respected and used in my family has raised her voice in the heat of the moment LOWERED my anxiety level. Knowing that I am not alone was comforting and calming. I began to lower my guard and continued to read the book in a hopeful manner.
And the book delivered. Offering me simple techniques for both myself and my child was exactly what I needed. As you may have guessed as BigBrother is two years old, he’s big on the tantrums right now. The section on helping kids lessen tantrums was absolutely flipping fabulous. Some tips?
1. Offer choices.
2. Get Eye to Eye.
3. Validate Feelings.
4. Let it Happen Naturally.
5. Create a Calm Down Room.
6. Teach Deep Breathing & Relaxation.
7. Express Yourself.
8. Tell Him What You DO Want.
9. Distract & Involve.
And more. Each idea was followed with simple instruction, encouragement and ideas. For someone who is going through this discipline stuff for the first time, those simple instructions, ideas and accompanying words of encouragement were of huge value. While the previous book may have some great points about needing to focus on yourself to be a good parent, I need some actual instruction on what the heck to do with tantrums (and so on).
Pantley’s book DOES offer clues as to how to calm yourself down as a parent, just like the other book, but does so in a positive, encouraging manner. For example, do you get more stressed when things are noisy, loud and chaotic? I do. Apparently other parents do as well. Remove the noise and mess and you will be less likely to flip your lid. Good tip, right?! RIGHT! And the best sentence in the whole book?
A raised voice is not necessarily a bad thing — if it is controlled and respectful.
Seriously. I love Pantley. As I read that, I thought back over that previous week and thought about my raised voice moments. To be brutally honest, I’m loud. Much like BigBrother, I’m a CAPSLOCK kinda gal. (Just as my Husband. Or my Mom. Or my Dad. Or… uhm, anyone.) As I thought about that week, I realized that the majority of the time, my “yells” weren’t totally out of line or overly reactionary. But some were. Still too many for my liking. And that’s what I needed to work on. Raising my voice to stop BigBrother from whacking LittleBrother with a fire truck is a-okay but yelling without need isn’t going to solve anything.
Pantley’s book ends with a bunch of tips for everyday solutions. Stuff like swearing, traveling, sibling fights (!?), shopping misbehavior (!!), sharing (?!?#??$?#), and not wanting to get out of the bathtub (!!!1!!!@!) are all covered with helpful ideas. I am 100% a believer in the fact that if you are equipped with the knowledge (meaning, ideas), you are much more likely to keep your cool in a situation. That’s what the other book lacked: actual tips on how to handle stressful situations with your child. And, you know, encouragement. And, you know, anything of worth.
We are all vastly different people. If you don’t deal with anxiety like I do, perhaps the first book will be of some use to you. However, with both the encouraging tone and helpful tips found throughout Pantley’s book, I can’t help but recommend it a thousand times over Runkel’s attempt at parenting advice. No, Pantley’s book won’t magically make your children into angelic creatures but it will help you along in your parenting journey.
And don’t we all need a little help now and then?
Speaking of reviews, I just reviewed a children’s magazine, Babybug, over at Modern Mamma Marvels. Stop in!
It’s not easy, these Terrible Twos. (See picture.) I was in tears twice today. BigBrother shed a few more than I did because his frustration level is even higher. He obviously wants to communicate clearly but has trouble understanding limits and the fact that inside voices are meant for the inside, especially when LittleBrother is asleep. It’s been a rough couple of days. Or weeks. Or perhaps months. I can’t tell. Everything has blurred together. I am worn out.
4. He Has Manners. No! Really! When we went to buy him special underwear at the store last week, he put each pack on the counter at the cash register and said, “Thank you,” with each one. The gentleman behind me commented on his manners. He also excuses himself when he passes gas or burps. Though he sometimes says, “MOVE, MOMMY,” he also says “Excuse me” at times when he needs to get by. He mostly remembers please. He’ll say “bless you” if someone sneezes. And almost always remembers to say “you’re welcome!”
